I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
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Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
my first dose meeting my second
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you