I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
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[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES