I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
🙄😏😂🤣
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.