I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
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“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Proctology is located in A55
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep