I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper