I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
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My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!