Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
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Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I can also cook 😂
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now