@freebirdy31: I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I'm in Canada
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@motrboatr: Sure I'll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.
@wife_housy: Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds. Then felt glad that I don't have to water them anymore. Suburban life is a roller coaster.
@HTownHarold: Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I'm now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
@QwertyJones3: "You're never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I've got a protein deficiency." "No whey!"