@freebirdy31: I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I'm in Canada
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@erikbransteen: Future Headline: “Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies, Hillary Caught Using Friend's Netflix Password Undecideds Still On The Fence”
@ALF_from_TV: Me: My flight was canceled so I won't be home until tomorrow. Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
@Tmoney68: Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you're bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it's known as Squid Pro Quo.
@joshandbeyond: Dad: There's no use crying over spilled milk son. Me: But dad it was tequila! Dad: What!? *cries immensely*