“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”