@shawn_spree: I said I wouldn't go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.
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@katvonwitt: Local news station is airing a segment on free rent in exchange for sex. Look, you don't have to tell me how a marriage works.
@kuuuuuu: *When I see someone else jaywalk* "What an idiot." *When I jaywalk* "I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself."
@dafloydsta: *tear runs down cheek "Why are all these people dead on the inside?" "Sir, this is a morgue."
@tinytittays: Driving with me is like being trapped in a tiny karaoke bar that doesn't serve booze and the worst singer won't get off the stage.