My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
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Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
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2015: Taco Emoji!
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.