@shawn_spree: I said I wouldn't go drinking in public again, but here I am waiting for my kids to get out of school.
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@LionJenkins: Me: Doctor, it hurts when I go like this. Doctor: You're not doing anything. You're just sitting there being alive. Me: Exactly.
@Harpers_Halo: When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
@TeaPainUSA: Kelly Ayotte says "Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids." She's right, kids don't pay taxes either.