I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.