I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Stop.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Growing out my freckles.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
yes, those are my real potatoes.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging