If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
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*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.