“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
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March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
what do you want!!!!!!!!
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.