@NotThatKevin: I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...
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@_Kim_Jongun: The rest of the world should fear our military. We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
@murrman5: [in car with wife] "did you take $20 from my purse?" *sips $3 coffee* no *gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
@huntigula: fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say "I haven't decided yet" while sobbing uncontrollably
@iLikeCatShirts: Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I'll solve it... [Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?