@NotThatKevin: I said my wife's name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet's empty...
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@VeryRudeTweets: I just got kicked out of my local Laser Tag and the police were called. Apparently stabbing somebody to save ammo is not allowed.
@ElgatoEsmio: Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho. What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
@drankturpentine: ILLUMINATI: *drinks chicken noodle soup and gets a good night's rest* WELLUMINATI: I'm feeling much better
@mellimelle: In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.