Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
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I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”