“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
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My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie