@causticbob: I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.''
'Bob, that's a cat.'
@koalaslament: DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you're now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
@animaldrumss: Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed
@merican_ninjy: "Let the chips fall where they may."
-My kids when they're eating chips on the couch.
@DanMentos: “Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
“It’s because they're sold by weight-“
“not by volume"
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.