I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
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We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
oh my god
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”