@causticbob: I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.''
'Bob, that's a cat.'
@weinerdog4life: Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he's in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
@ThaJawn: *googles murder tips
*adds "asking for a friend" at the end of each search
They won't be able to prove a thing!
@Jake_Vig: Dear President of Mexico,
DO NOT fall for Trump's old trick where he mumbles "guypayingtobuildthewallsayswhat?" and you say "What?"
@dhumann: You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you've sighed six or seven times.
@AHundredElbows: Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.