@causticbob: I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.''
'Bob, that's a cat.'
@_davidlucas_: *Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said "wrap battle", right?
@hammbone84: If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.
@JayCee302: Me: "I really like this car"
Salesman: "Yeah and it also has a latch in case someone gets stuck in the trunk!"
Me: "Eh, what else ya got?"
@oakhillbargrill: That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I've made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
@yayraptor: [at a bar]
me: hey girl are u a wanted criminal
me: oh ok [to a group of cops] shes not here, search the other building