@itchyturtle: I said "You're not the boss of me" to my boss and it came true.
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@ZAKagan: Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
@Brianhopecomedy: They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
@bourgeoisalien: the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
@envydatropic: It's cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated