I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
You Might Also Like
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times