I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT