I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
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My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.