I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
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1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome