Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
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The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.