6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
You Might Also Like
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Hard not to take this personally
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier