I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
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Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
This is me 🤣🤣
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “