@RickAaron: I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during "Ellen" and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
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@InternetHippo: Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
@wittwitbarista: *2 days before payday* Me: CLEAR! Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!