@RickAaron: I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during "Ellen" and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
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@AnOrangeSNES: [Victora's Secret] Wife: You're the most supportive person I know. *A person made of bras walks by* Me: Um what about that guy?
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: No matter what you do in life, I'll always be there for you. Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
@Philosopherbing: Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet: "You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth." Oh shit....
@mostunladylike: Mugger *shows knife* Crocodile Dundee "No this is a knife" *pulls out huge knife* Alanis Morrisette "Hang on" *sifts through 10,000 spoons*