I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Cause of death: Zumba
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.