@isaidwhat_: I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
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@FabMommy29: If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
@FrenulumBreve: BOSS: I'm sorry I just don't trust your judgment. ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
@UncleDuke1969: [Home Depot] Me: Trash bags? Employee: Size? M: Don't know. They're for my wife. E: A guess? M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
@sonictyrant: Friend: a Viking burial would be awesome some day [A few days later] Me:*fires a flaming arrow into his kayak while he's white water rafting*