I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
You Might Also Like
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.