I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
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feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
🏙👨🏼
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever