I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
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Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.