Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
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me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
What is going on? 😅
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.