@delusions_of: I saw a baby crying and gave it my cable bill cuz no reason we should both be sad.
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@NikkiReimer: My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
@Momtoteens: When I go see my drug dealer, she makes me lay on a couch and talk to her for an hour first.
@Underchilde: I don’t think Twitter’s real. I think I’m in a mall in 1987 listening to “I Think We’re Alone Now” & my mind invented Twitter to protect me.
@BuckyIsotope: ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that