Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
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people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?