@delusions_of: I saw a baby crying and gave it my cable bill cuz no reason we should both be sad.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@markhoppus: [extreme taylor swift ‘look what you made me do’ voice] it’s captain kangaroo it’s captain kangaroo it’s captain kangaroo hey look it’s captain kangaroo
@TheIronSherk: [Ouija board] O spirits, let me talk to m- C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I *squints* What the heck? A 3G board?
@ilovepie84: Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say "We ride together, we Die together."
@BradBroaddus: My rear view mirror broke off. No biggie, I'll just put one of my contact lenses in backwards.