My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
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Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.