@realHamOnWry: I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I'm calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.
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@rmfnord: The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
@TinaraMinus10: DON'T YOU LIKE ME! I WANNA MARRY YOU! WHY AM I IN THE TRUNK! -and other things I hear from guys on first dates
@jonnysun: [trying to do standup] u kno whats funy– [someone yells 'society!'] nno– [entire audience starts laughig] wait [audience laughs louder] stop