@realHamOnWry: I saw a bear squat, take a dump then just walk away. So I'm calling bullshit on those Charmin bears.
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@KeetPotato: [me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party] me: "how did we both fit in this lmao"
@kellysdf: I thought I lost my car keys, but the NSA called and said they were in my other pants.
@rachaelkelly18: The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today