[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
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[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
ugh not again
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back