I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
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Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds