I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
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You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.