I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Home is where your toilet is.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg