I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
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I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.