I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
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wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids