I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
You Might Also Like
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Lmao the reply
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
man i love columbo
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Carpe DM
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”