I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
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I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
“Huge”.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.