I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
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All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Saw online –
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁