A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
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Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.