I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
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[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?