I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
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sistine chapel
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me