I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.