@Reverend_Scott: I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
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@jordan_stratton: Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
@SteveSuckington: Teacher: did you cheat on your math test? Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
@Home_Halfway: I love this time of year, where my massive spider webs and the dead guy in my living room are "Halloween decorations" again.
@JohnHilsen: When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.