I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
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Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.