@MelvinofYork: I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
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@TwatWaffler69: I feel like landlords who don't allow dogs but DO allow children don't know very much about children.
@carlyken: The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
@Mr_Kapowski: Q: When is Santa's birthday? A: Since Santa comes once a year and he's married, Santa's birthday is December 25th
@inmynewskin: I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt