@MelvinofYork: I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
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@StarWarsProblms: Yoda: Clouded, your future is. Anakin: Are you smoking pot again? Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
@philYama: If losing a debate, end a sentence with "see what I did there?". As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object
@Humor_Fetish: Friend: "Did you bring condoms?" Me: "No need. If I'm drunk enough to talk to a girl, I'm way too drunk to get it up."
@StellaRtwot: Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you're doing it.