I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
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me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Here’s a meme
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.