@SincerelyMen: I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn't going to help him.
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@NoTheOtherJohn: The name "groundhog" suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.
@peteholmes: Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word "stop."
@jergarl: Wife:Did you take ambien last night? Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that's on fire* No, why? W:The dog's wearing a saddle and she's orange.
@kcmoore51: Me: I made you a playlist... Her: OMG! THAT'S SO ROMANTIC! Me: It only has songs about food.