Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
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My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
BRO LMFAO
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say