Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
You Might Also Like
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists